Louise's blog

It has been a nice week so far.  For some reason many connections are solidifying and my industry relationship building has manifested many potential projects.  The best part is that I’ve genuinely sought out relationships with people because I enjoy their work and find inspiration in the art they create, not because they would be able to “do something” for me somewhere down the road.  And I listened to my father who said that contacts grow exponentially over time but the key is consistency and sincerity.  And I try. 

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There’s nothing quite like the thrill of meeting someone amazing and simply knowing that you will work together at some point.  But it’s tough to be remembered.  Even if you are a redhead from Kansas with celiac disease who’s lived overseas.  I mean that’s not so normal.  But even then, it’s a challenging industry and everyone wants to stand out. I guess it’s probably not that different from any other profession (well maybe the inherent amount of rejection is higher) so we all battle to be remembered, to be special, to be needed.

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The holy grail is when you are THE ONE person they want for the project.  And though that seems like a distant goal at times- especially during awards season which reminds me of those much more famous- I can be in demand at the level I currently inhabit.  I strive to be sought after in my arena, which will grow to another larger arena and then another and finally I will be the one receiving the golden statues (crying of course because, well you know me).

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I have grown up with Dorothy jokes my entire life.  I try to handle them with patience.  You cannot even imagine how many times I’ve hear “You’re not in Kansas anymore!”.  I know.  Ha, ha.  I’m not.  But, I am going to freely steal another line from The Wizard of Oz.  When Glinda tells Dorothy “You had the power all along.”  Very true there Glinda.  Wisdom from a childhood movie.  Now I don’t mean lessons in how to fight off creepy flying monkeys or shop for a flattering gingham dress.  I mean that most of time if you really think about it you know the best course of action.  The best next step, the answer.  And the things that break your heart and hurt so badly in the moment, eventually they dissipate and the “right” thing comes along.  And sudden you see that THIS was really what you wanted. 

Power.  I used to give it away very often.  To everyone, personally and professionally.  I let “them/him/her’ determine how I felt about myself.  Sometimes I still do, but in significantly smaller doses and much less frequently.   But I explained to someone about my “cold emails” and my attempt to reach out and contact people who’s work I adore.  I said that sometimes we had passing introduction or a mutual connection but sometimes it was truly an email out of the blue with me writing that I wanted to get on his/her radar.  Since I’m not completely altruistic I am going to stop explaining who I do what I do.  I want to be helpful but still, it is a business. 

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The person I was talking to said that 1) they couldn’t believe I was doing that because it took such guts (uhm, thank you I am getting braver) and 2) they thought it was such a revolutionary idea.  I was flattered, by both things really.  And honestly, an email isn’t as brave as you think.  But I’ll take compliments where I can get them.  And many of the people have written back.  They say for me to keep them up to date with my work (yes, e/mailing list) and stay in touch.  The kicker is, I DO stay in touch.  See, follow through. 

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My father was also a baseball pitcher in high school and generally good at throwing sports.  When he taught me how to hit or how to throw a free throw, he talked about two things that I thing also apply here.  Key components to making a connection (bat to ball, ball to basket or actor to industry person) is both follow through (sheer effort) and consistency (pointed focus).  So I stay on track and stay informed.  Building a relationship takes time and direction, in any situation.  Especially the great relationships.  The ones you mention along with “I’d like to thank the Academy.”  

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Two developing possibilities are already realities (two film projects) and I’m hoping that a few more will cement.  They sound so damn exciting that it’s a thrill just to be in the running.  I always know that something is a real winner when simply thinking about it makes me smile.  The weather is shifting too.  Do you feel it?  The air is changing and Spring is coming.  I can’t wait.

Keep on keeping on,

L

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THINGS I’M LAUGHING AT THIS WEEK: Tosh.0 and the new Old Spice commercials  (“I’m on a horse!”)

DREAM ROLE: I’m auditioning for one of my previously mentioned roles, so cross your fingers!

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This reminds me of my parents, and before you ask… yes, they used to sing it.  Together.  To my sister and me.  And they both have great voices and can kind of get their groove on so it’s a wonderful memory. 

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Thinking this might become a blog staple….. hmmmm.  What do you think?!

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I’m imaging the incomparable Laura Roeder (my blogging guru) shaking her head as I confess in the first sentence that today’s post is simply drawn from all that is mulling about in my head today.  It’s just what I feel.  And sometimes that’s all I have.  Because while I am typically terrified of personal/professional transparency, I also don’t really know any other way to write but to start typing.  It could be a story I’ve lived with for a bit or a brand new revelation.  Today feels like something quite different.  I have felt as though I am on a precipice.  On the verge of something.  And for some crazy reason, instead of being afraid of the unknown in my life, I welcome it and I am not unnerved or worried. 

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And as things swirl around me, all the possibilities and ideas and hopes and dreams, I have learned to be okay with silence.  And that’s a good thing.  See I realized that being able to sit alone in absolute quiet while doing nothing means that at the end of the day I am actually at peace.  I am safe and comfortable, even in the chaos of an artist’s life.  I know who I am.  All the light and dark parts.  Now to be honest with you (and I do strive to be honest) there are moments, days and even longer stretches of time when I am not so okay with it all.  Where I am frustrated and incredibly non-actualized.  Where I am behaving as a lesser version of myself.  But I think I’m at a point where those instances are the smaller percentage.

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Most of the time I am myself.  Still super sensitive and in flux but rather content and hopeful.  I see my life as filled with options.  And I am proud of that.  And I always feel blessed to have the chances and the dreams that I have.  Because I cannot forget how lucky I am to even have those options, to even get to try.  Because it is a gift to even to life this life.  So I feel that I have a responsibility. A sense of purpose or the desire to fulfill a purpose.  The need to be a good family member and friend, to be a consciously contributing artist, to be an active human being. 

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Because I try.  The medical mantra (not sure if it’s really official) has been coming to mind recently.  You know “First do no harm”?  The idea that you strive for good but acknowledge that you live in the real world.  And it’s messy, and imperfect.  So along with growing up and learning to speak my mind and trying to be philanthropic and attempting to be grateful and growing this career I have also decided that I have to (I must) learn to cut myself some slack.  Because when I don’t- when I push and judge and fret and doubt- then the silence is uncomfortable.  And I find that I have to turn on the TV or keep myself busy with a million other things.  Because the quiet just seems to call me out.  It questions every decision, incites every jealous tendency and taps into every possible conduit of self-loathing.  And if I am seemingly resilient and immune, well then it starts to simply make up reasons to be fearful.  Wait, someone taught me something great about fear… that it is False Evidence Appearing Real.  So if I don’t shake myself out of it I swirl into pity and shame.  Into a crippling sea of the insurmountable.

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And I guess it’s easy to start to accept that noise.  But I don’t really want to because life is noisy enough, especially in New York City.  It is inherently a mental and physical and emotional patchwork all on its own.  So I have to buckle down and do my best to let the noise, the doubt, the judgment, all of it simply fall away.

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And sometimes all it takes is a train ride in the morning (this morning for example) to crystallize the fact that it is a choice.  That while it’s challenging to find your peace and your place, it is possible.  So here was my morning ride today.  It is a rather nasty day here, kind of snowing/raining at all once.  It is slushy and gross.  And the train is really crowded, full of people.  But I have a seat.  Which is a blessing because I can put my umbrella between my feet and hold my bag on my lap.  And I am listening to music.  The current song of choice, the one that elevates my spirit incandescently is Matisyaho’s One Day.  Yep, the one the kids were singing in my Monday post.  It’s a mental sorbet, it clears out the junk and leaves only hope.  It quiets my troubled mind and restores my faith. 

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I guess the trick, along with simply trying to be at peace personally (which I acknowledge is not constantly attainable) is to find all of those things- the songs, people, painting, quotes, projects, etc.- that evoke silence.  That makes everything shut up, if even for a moment.  Then you can choose, with strength and purpose, how to fill your life.

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Here’s the original sorbet:

Wishing you well,

L

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Things I’m digging this week: Emily Grace’s Reiki Scene and He Who Laughs Live (cannot wait!)

Dream role: hmmm… how about some Naomi Wallace or some Sarah Ruhl, that would rock

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I know that I do the Thursday posting but I found something today that couldn’t even wait three days.  Now I have mentioned the PS 22 choir before but honestly, if I ever need a reminder of why…. of why I fight to be an artist, of why I wish only the best for the world and often lose sleep fearing the alternative, of why I truly believe that anything is possible… I only have to watch them sing.  And somehow it all makes sense.  So here’s the latest gem.  And the real kicker is that this is one of my favorite songs right now (well, I’m guessing it always will be a fav).  So enjoy, and I’ll talk to you Thursday…

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This last week has been a whirlwind of activity but all the good kind. Many potential projects brewing although I am always hesitant to mention them specifically. And I have heard (well I read) that it is not good to talk or write about pending work. Discretion and privacy for all involved, which I dig.

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Other than that, I have had the amazing opportunity to catch up a little bit on my movie-watching. It’s wonderful to be so busy theatrically but there’s nothing like a show to bring an end to pretty much any other events in your life. It has been lovely to have more than 15 minutes at the beginning and the end of each day where I am conscious and unoccupied. So it’s been a trifecta in the last few days. On Sunday (yes, Valentine’s Day) we watched THE HURT LOCKER. I know, a seemingly counterintuitive choice but I’ve been dying to see it and I do tend to rebel against any externally forced expression of affection. And since “he who could not handle Netflix’s long wait status” decided to purchase it, we now own a copy at my house. It was great. I get all excited about proud (for no reason) about what it means for Jeremy Renner and for Kathryn Bigelow. I wanted a bit of the end (not the end, I thought that rocked) to be restructured/edited differently but I was engaged and moved and shocked by the simple, visceral story telling.

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Then Monday brought with it my first 3-D experience in the form of some blue people. Yep, AVATAR. Now I need to preface this by saying that I wasn’t completely excited about going to see this movie but I figured that if I was going to see it at all I needed to see it in the theater and in 3-D. And it’s the highest grossing movie of all time (at $15.25 a ticket it should be) so it’s a cultural landmark as well. See, again with my stubbornness. What I loved most about the experience is that you really, practically physically, jump into the world of the film. I suppose there couldn’t have been a better first time with those funny glasses. And I think the fact that the entire audience is wearing glasses makes for a delightful moving-going afternoon. People are unable to text and you really don’t want to miss a minute of it so no outside conversations. So I liked the movie. I’m glad I saw it. It was definitely an adventure.

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Last night brought the third and final chapter of this experience. THE HANGOVER. As I was putting in the DVD I said “I don’t think I’m going to find this funny.” Well, I am never afraid to admit when I am wrong. And boy was I wrong. I laughed myself silly. I thought it was incredibly funny and wildly entertaining. Enough so that I could actually see us owning it. I guess I possess a teenage boy’s sense of humor. My tastes are truly varied. I surprised myself. Which was fantastic. And I’m kind of proud of that, well after admitting that I was being all judgy at first.

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The best part of it all was the simple act of watching movies, either bespectacled in the dark or lounging on my sofa. It might be cheesy but I love this industry and it was so wonderful to be reminded of that fact in such dynamically different ways. Sharing stories of danger, hope and laughter. And through it all, seeing glimpses of what is universal, what binds us together- even when it’s tearing us apart. And it remains, captured on film (or its various counterparts) and frozen in time. For better or for worse. Okay, now I want to go make a movie. Here’s hoping one of the possibilities brewing pops.

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I hope this finds you having various adventures of your own (cinematically or otherwise),

L

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THINGS I’M DIGGING THIS WEEK: Andromeda Galaxy images from NASA & The Amazing Race (it’s the travel part that gets me!)

DREAM ROLE: something in Matt Damon & Ben Affleck’s next project

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So I am attempting to dive full force into a few different things right now.  The first is my new play, WAKE.  I figure that if I write about it here, seeing a bit in black and white will push me to do more work.  Here’s what I know so far, there are two main characters are Bridget (no last name right now) and Henry Cavanaugh.  Bridget is a rather nomadic woman, since getting her GED at 17 she has been drifting around and living in various parts of the country.  Henry Cavanaugh lives in the U.P. (shut it Beth, it is set in Michigan, deal with it) and works on a boat/ship most of the time.  He is current estranged from his wife and living in a fishing cabin on a frozen lake.  The play starts with Bridget dragging Henry into the cabin.  He fell through the ice and she’s pulled him out.  They are both soaking wet.   Then the rest of the play (my goal is to have it unfold in real time) is the two of them in this cabin.  There’s some haunting Irish folklore and the entrance of two other characters (Bridget’s mother and Henry’s wife) that appear as visions or apparitions as part of the stories they tell. 

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I’m playing around with time jumps, time freezes, monologues (well, read letters) and a few other more unusual structural elements.  Oh yeah and because it’s my writing- there’s a big ol’ twist.

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Now here’s the truly frightening part (as if writing it isn’t daunting enough) I want to have it done to do readings in the late spring or early summer for a possible (wait for it) Fall production.  The real terrifying factor is that a production involves money, which does always seem to complicate everything.  I know that there are avenues such as FringeNYC (and I loved my experience there with Look After You) but this play is going to need a stable set and I think it would be served by a run of 3-6 weeks. So I am once again setting my sights much higher than I should if I was a rational, cautious person.  It’s strange because I feel that I am pragmatic in my sense of the world, I find a way to get things done and I land on my feet.  But when it comes to my career and the concept of future machinations, I am fantastical.  I dream big.  Huge.  And when that gigantic wish comes to fruition, then I always feel a combination of “well, of course it would happen” and “what in the world is going on?!”   It’s never boring.

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So if you want to know more about the play (or know anyone who feels like helping to fund a show (it never hurts to ask, right?) then drop me a line.

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I had planned to enclose a bit of new dialogue but I’ve chickened out.  It’s not ready to be read caveat-free (without me sitting next to you to explain way too much before and after you read it).  Instead I am inserting what is one of my favorite parts of my play Look After You.  I’ve now had it quoted back to me twice when I’ve been wishy-washy about something.  Nice to have your own words haunt you.    It’s the character of Paul (delightfully originated by my friend Lowell Byers) talking to Jake who is suffering from a rather crippling case of indecision.  I was told that if I found myself to be too covetous of a line, I should probably cut it, but this exchange simply rolled onto the page and then the guys were absolutely heartbreaking in the scene.  I never had a change a word.  I think, by that point in my rewrites, the characters were talking and I was merely lucky enough to have a pen (well, really a laptop but you get my point).

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PAUL

I’ve been thinking about your book.

JAKE

Yeah?

PAUL

You know why you’re stuck? Because you’re looking for an answer that doesn’t exist. You’re looking for the explanation for why some people live and some people die.  And you’re not going to find it, not like that.

JAKE

Really.

PAUL

I never told you, but I didn’t finish college. I didn’t graduate.

JAKE

Why not?

PAUL

I was taking all the standard courses, floating along, and it was fine. But then you have that meeting, the one with your advisor where you’re supposed to determine what you want to be, your major. I couldn’t do it. I kept rescheduling it and rescheduling it. I couldn’t look at every option in the world and narrow it down to only one. So after I took all the classes I could take as a nothing major, I left school.  And, even if I tell myself that one day I’ll go back and then I’ll be an architect or a social worker, I won’t. Because even though I didn’t consciously make a choice, I made one.  So pick, pick an ending for your book, pick a life- with or without her. Just make a choice or the world will make it for you. And most of the time, the world is wrong.

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I’m more of a “show someone how you feel all year long” kind of gal but I hope this Sunday brings you some extra love,

L

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THINGS I’M DIGGING THIS WEEK:  my handmade scarf (see the picture below from yesterday’s pseudo-snowpocalypse, it was made by my mother but people keep asking me about it on the street).

DREAM ROLE (I’m auditioning for it next week, so it seems fitting): Solange in Genet’s The Maids

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The run of Blue Surge closes this Sunday. This play definitely takes it out of you, very emotionally ravaging. I know that I’ve alluded to my personal and professional quandaries during the process but I hope that I end the run with contentment at having taken the journey.

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I will then, starting Monday, be freed up to focus on what’s next. There are some fun things brewing but OF COURSE I am always on the hunt. I realized, however, that I am entering this interesting phase of very specific, direct focus. I know what I want to develop career-wise and I am resolved to make it happen. But along with this specificity comes the acknowledgement that I need to let go of somethings. I need to move on. The only analogy I can think of it repotting a plant. When it starts to outgrow its pot, you replant it but then there’s this time of adjustment when it’s too small for the big pot. It will grow and fill it but you have to be patient. And you have to replant it. Because if you simply leave it in the small pot because it’s comfortable there or it looks so massive and powerful there, it will probably die.

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Okay, enough of the replanting analogy. I’m sure you get it. I have realized that I might need to be repotted. I am grooving at this level but itching for more. The terrifying more, the one that means being tiny again and new and at the bottom. But I want it. I realized that with a fierce certainty on Tuesday when the Academy Award nominations were announced. I want that, and people like Jeremy Renner and Anna Kendrick are inspiring. Wow, that feels evolved because I would have thought that I’d think “damn them” or something equally take-y. Full on jealousy.  But instead I am choosing now to see it as hopefully. They have two very different stories. Jeremy Renner has been kicking around the industry for years and Anna Kendrick is emerging.  And boy I would love to be in their shoes right now, rather than the snow boots I wore yesterday morning as I walked to my day job.

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Yes, saying that I want an Oscar nomination is not that rare or surprising. I know. But what it really signifies is that I want to do meaningful work. Work that lasts, a career that lasts.  Work that makes an impact.  And builds the foundation to grow and do more work and more work and more work.  Now sometimes I think that the critical praise machines (press, reviews, award shows) get it wrong but there is much truth there. The remarkable performances and scripts and productions are often rewarded and honored. I have decided that what I want to cultivate now is a series of career-developing/career-building and then career-solidifying projects. And if something doesn’t serve this goal, then I need to pass on it and let it go. Ever forward (or at least, not backwards). Because every time I go in for something that might send me adrift career-wise (be a setback of sorts) I know it, I feel it and I usually get grumpy.  And interestingly enough, I usually don’t get it.  Which is good, but strange and (if I’m not aware of what’s really going on) upsetting.

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There’s some female political activist (the quote is attributed to many people but oddly they are all women speakers) that said “you cannot be it if you cannot see it.” Since I’m not a fan of the negative in any context, I am reformatting that to be “you/I have to see it to be it.” I have to clearly see the “what I want” of my career and lock on that in sharp focus.  And if I cloud that possible vision with filler and half-assed things then I’m not leaving room for the good stuff. And I do that.  I cloud and muddy.  Because it’s often very seductive.  I get scared of the extra room in my pot (that was so lame, sorry) and instead of embracing the freedom and room to grow I tend to rush around trying to fill the empty space. No more.

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I am going to wrap up this run and then make myself stop. I’m going to sit and actually craft out a plan because 1) I don’t know if I have Jeremy Renner’s stamina and 2) I definitely haven’t had the same career beginnings as Anna Kendrick.  So they cannot be this year’s litmus test.  They are not the easy answer, the coveted actor success Mad Libs.  The “answer” doesn’t really exist (sad to say) because honestly no one gets there the same way anyway. You know?! There’s no clear path and even the “best practices” are usually a karmic crap-shoot.  So there’s no room to be envious. I take that back, there’s no time to be envious. And it doesn’t help in the end.

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So, Louise what are you doing to do? Well…  thanks for asking. I am doing to laser-focus myself on a few things I really want to accomplish career-wise, continue to cultivate relationships with people I’m dying to work with and move full force with my writing. Because there’s nothing quite like trying to empower yourself and make work for yourself. I’m going to dig in and get ready for Spring. After all, that’s when everything grows.  And hey, if you have any ideas or suggestions I would love to hear from you. 

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Soon to be getting home before midnight,

Louise

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Things I’m digging this week: rewatching the Extras series finale and the Yantra Mat (I think I want one)

Dream Role: Someone in a Martin McDonagh play (well, the next one)

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Yep, this one is about sports.  Does that surprise you?!  But there’s some universal stuff, I swear.  Now while it’s always rather easy to be a Jayhawks fan, my “hometown” teams of the Chiefs and the Royals have given me much heartache.  I diligently cheer them on and try to relish the underdog and “not again” status they evoke.  I’m hoping for a comer like George Brett (even with the bat tantrum) or the final career glory of Joe Montana.  Impressed, aren’t you?!

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So when I recently found out that the Royals signed Rick Ankiel for this coming Baseball season, I started dreaming of Spring.  Who’s Rick Ankiel you ask?  Well, sit back and relax because this is a good one.  Now if you read my blog you know that I am sucker for a good story, something affirming that shatters the odds.  Because I believe that anything is possible.  People can be amazing when they do not accept the alternative.

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So briefly (and there’s much more detail if you google him) Rick Ankiel started as a pitcher with the St. Louis Cardinals back in 1999.   And he was good.  Damn good.  On track to make some huge records and end up in the Hall of Fame.  Then in 2000, at the age of 20, he and his team were in the playoffs and something happened.  His arm was gone, or his directional tragectory was gone.  He thew 5 wild pitches in an inning (9 over 4 innings) and was pulled from the game.  People were saying it was over.  He had lost it. 

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Proving that he is of singular conviction, Rick didn’t accept the end of his professional baseball career.  This is what he was meant to do and if he couldn’t pitch… well, hell he was a good hitter too.  So my boy Rick decides to become an outfielder.  Yep, he says “take that MBL, I’m not going away.”  But it was a long road back because this just doesn’t always happen or it doesn’t always work.  So a few years pass and he ends up with the Pacific Coast League Triple A ball club.

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Now we jump to August 9, 2007.  Rick got the call and is back with the St. Louis Cardinals starting out in his first game.  And he hits a 3-run homer.  And the crowd freaks.  And Sports Center freaks.  And everyone rejoices because this just doesn’t get to happen, right?  People don’t get to be wonderful numerous times.  Or do they?!  Maybe that ability is in everyone but when you lose your arm for some unexplainable reason it might be easy to cash out, to give up.  Not Rick.  He knew his place and it was the ballpark.  Maybe not the pitcher’s mound as he thought in high school, but out in the field. 

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At 28 years old his first  four games contained three home runs.  And for me it brought this amazing sense of hope.  Because we all want to think that life gives us multiple chances.  That we get, if not a do-over, then another try.  And I think we do.  But we have to earn it, we have to be workers and fighters. 

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And now Rick Ankiel is a Kansas City Royal, for at least a year.  And I’m buying a jersey with his name and number on it (I’ve never done that before).  My dad said he’d take me to a game when I go visit over the summer.  So I’m going to sit in the Midwestern sun and watch a man live out a dream.  Not a bad way to spend an afternoon. 

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Thank you Rick.  For reminding me that there is nothing foolish about destiny, there is nothing wrong with a (verging on) fanatical belief that you belong somewhere specific and that if life smacks you down you have to get back up.  You have to make it happen and not stop trying.  Ever.  So here it is from someone’s home video.  It’s not majestical or anything, but it’s a man stepping back into his dream.  And that is amazing.

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This also makes me think of an episode of Sports Night (which you know I love) where a pitcher is making a MLB comeback.  The details aren’t necessarily important (although it’s a great episode, “The Sword of Orion”) but one line sticks out.  Casey (played by Josh Charles) says “There’s really nothing like seeing a guy realize he’s not done yet. Usually it goes the other way.”  It’s  true, right?  Life gets hard and people give up.  When I am less resilient, and I have been lately, I have a tougher time gearing up for the fight.  But then I realize that it’s not going to get easier and, if Rick Ankiel and others are any indication, it’s probably going to get harder.  So maybe I have to switch positions and get creative to stay in the game.  Because I love the game and I belong there.

Waiting for Opening Day,

L

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THINGS I’M DIGGING THIS WEEK: LOST’s Seasons 1-5 Recap (so excited for Feb 2) and John Denver’s “Sunshine on My Shoulder” (cynics beware, it’s cheesy but great and my mom & dad used to sing it to us)

DREAM ROLE: The Angel in Angels in America (someday, the third revival perhaps)

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I want to get the self promotion out of the way first; Blue Surge begins its three week run tonight. All the details are here or on my website.

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Okay, last week I wrote about all kinds of me-ness. And not much has changed in that situation; it’s still incredibly rough going for me and will probably turn out to be one of my biggest professional challenges for many reasons. But I realized something. In my icky moments, when I feel my most conflicted or irritated or (let’s go there) resentful, something always happens to shake me out of it. Not forever, not for good. But enough to stop the pity party, the self indulgent behavior. It’s a twisted gift that the world gives me, a reminder to reevaluate.

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Last week, and probably for many more, that was the news coming out of Haiti in the aftermath of the earthquake. And even more specifically, it was two stories that shook me, rock me to the bone. Forced me to stop being such a freaking baby and realize what really matters.

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The first was about the massive amount of amputations being done in Port-au-Prince. Doctors are flying in from around the world to help and they are finding that people have been living for days, over a week, with crushed bones and extreme injuries. This damaged limbs and severe infections are leaving the doctors with no option beyond amputation. This is a drastic and difficult reality in the best of circumstances, in the best of situations, but in a country like Haiti it is devastation. Living as an amputee in this environment is insurmountably difficult. People know that and argue with the doctors. One woman was refusing to let them amputate the left leg of her daughter and the doctor was trying to explain (through an interpreter) that the alternative was death. This still did not calm her fears. The issue is compounded by the severe lack of prosthetic limbs. They were almost non-existent before and virtually impossible now. There’s hope that companies will step in and help out but the demand will be staggering. The reporter said the fear is that Haiti will become a nation of amputees.

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So that is heartbreaking. I cannot imagine being an amputee. I don’t think I could handle that and I live in a place where I would be given every possible shred of assistance and support. The scope of life beyond this tragedy is almost beyond comprehension.

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The other story was about a woman… well I’d advise you to just watch the story unfold. It is amazing and I will not do it justice. Bill Neely of Britain’s ITV comes across this man named Roger who is searching in the rumble of an office building for his wife, Jeanette. It’s Sunday and she has been missing for six days. It’s rather quite when he first starts yelling for her and suddenly he hears something. She is calling out to him. Roger and others start to dig away but it’s not until a unit of the LAFD shows up that they are able to start making some headway. Mr. Neely sticks the microphone into the rumble and they can hear her talking. Much like the children who waited in line for hours and said “thank you” when being handed a bottle of water after 5 days of going without, she is polite and patient. Her hand is crushed under a beam but once they remove it, they are able to free her.

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When Jeanette is carried out into the night air she starts to sing. Yes, she starts to sing. Seriously, watch the clip. When they ask her if she thought she would live, if she thought she would make it, she says “Why not?!” Why not indeed. If I ever needed a sense of perspective… there it is.

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Yet again I have been yanked from my moping, from my self-reflection, and reminded that I don’t have to be blue. Or, honestly, that I don’t have any reason to be blue. When I feel disgruntled and bitter (even if it’s justifiable) I should simply take the time to focus outward. I should find something else to support, something outside of me. I can do some good instead of pouting. It’s like my mother used to say when we would be sitting inside complaining about feeling gross or being bored or any other childhood exasperation, “Go outside and get some sunshine and fresh air, it will do you good.” Give a little to the relief effort; watch the news and most of all: be grateful for what I have. Reverent in the surplus and patient in the lack. And hopeful, always, that tomorrow will bring with it more joy than sadness.

Thanks,

L

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Things I’m digging this week: The Heavy (unexplainable joy) and Hoops & YoYo (I laugh every time)

Dream Role: the future will be televised; got my eye on Mercy, The Good Wife, Damages and Law & Order

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I was hesitant to write this post because people involved might read it (if anyone really reads this besides the few I’m already aware of that spend much of their time in close proximity to me) and I’m sharing a pretty unflattering side of myself.  Well, I guess that’s what blogs are all about, a transparency… so here goes.

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I am involved in a show (it runs Jan 21^st- Feb 7^th so here’s  the info) and it’s mostly the normal process of a production.  It’s not a new play, which is a change from over a year of solely new work, and I truly enjoy its embracing but lacerating story.  However, I find that I have this high level of envy going on.  The cast is two guys and three girls.  Usually I slide into my role and move forward but in this play I am very covetous of the other two female parts.  There are many reasons for it.  Some are very basic and perhaps childish: my part is smaller (please don’t say “No small parts only small actors” to me, I know that and she is a great role, blah blah blah) and circumstantially less developed because of it.  That I can handle.  I can rope in my desire to be on stage more, my wish to dive into pages & pages, scenes & scenes and really chew up the furniture.  I read the play; I knew what I was getting into when I accepted the offer.

***

The deeper and more challenging part of my jealousy is that I want to say their lines, their characters’ words.  Not because I wish it was me instead of them, they are lovely, but because I want it too.  Does that make sense?  It’s especially true with one of the roles.  I would love to play her.  That’s it.  And there’s nothing I can do about it.  I cannot change it, not right now.  So, because I’m in this situation for another month, I have to find a way to cope (hell, to thrive) despite my conflicted nature.  They were cast in the role, I was not.  Believe me; I’ve given myself a stern talkin’ to about that…

***

I received great advice early on in my endeavors.   Someone said to me that it’s okay to be envious but the trick is to get to the place where instead of “I want it/that” you can truly say/think/feel “I want it/that TOO.”  This helps make it about how you feel without lessening the accomplishment or experience for the other person.  (Truthfully, I have been on receiving end of “I wish that was me” and I felt kind of crappy about that scenario as well so maybe jealousy is difficult from any angle.)  It’s the feeling of exposure, of vulnerability, of lack. 

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But maybe I should choose to see it as hopeful. My mother and father, the brilliant parental strategists that they are, always embraced our wild emotions with the affirmation “That means you really care about it.  That’s a good thing.”  When something was super exciting or infuriating they would never invalidate our reaction.  Instead they told us that the feeling meant something positive, it meant that we cared so much about the thing/person/event and that IS a good thing.  So maybe the green monster is our friend.  Pushing us to be more by showing us what we are not.  And there’s always next time…

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Thanks for “listening” and I hope you don’t think less of me,

Louise

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Things I’m digging this week: my gluten free haunts- Baby Cakes, Sugar Rush Bake Shoppe, Risotteria

Dream Role: Mae in Maria Irene Fornes’ Mud

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