pots and statues

The run of Blue Surge closes this Sunday. This play definitely takes it out of you, very emotionally ravaging. I know that I’ve alluded to my personal and professional quandaries during the process but I hope that I end the run with contentment at having taken the journey.

I will then, starting Monday, be freed up to focus on what’s next. There are some fun things brewing but OF COURSE I am always on the hunt. I realized, however, that I am entering this interesting phase of very specific, direct focus. I know what I want to develop career-wise and I am resolved to make it happen. But along with this specificity comes the acknowledgement that I need to let go of somethings. I need to move on. The only analogy I can think of it repotting a plant. When it starts to outgrow its pot, you replant it but then there’s this time of adjustment when it’s too small for the big pot. It will grow and fill it but you have to be patient. And you have to replant it. Because if you simply leave it in the small pot because it’s comfortable there or it looks so massive and powerful there, it will probably die.

Okay, enough of the replanting analogy. I’m sure you get it. I have realized that I might need to be repotted. I am grooving at this level but itching for more. The terrifying more, the one that means being tiny again and new and at the bottom. But I want it. I realized that with a fierce certainty on Tuesday when the Academy Award nominations were announced. I want that, and people like Jeremy Renner and Anna Kendrick are inspiring. Wow, that feels evolved because I would have thought that I’d think “damn them” or something equally take-y. Full on jealousy. But instead I am choosing now to see it as hopefully. They have two very different stories. Jeremy Renner has been kicking around the industry for years and Anna Kendrick is emerging. And boy I would love to be in their shoes right now, rather than the snow boots I wore yesterday morning as I walked to my day job.

Yes, saying that I want an Oscar nomination is not that rare or surprising. I know. But what it really signifies is that I want to do meaningful work. Work that lasts, a career that lasts. Work that makes an impact. And builds the foundation to grow and do more work and more work and more work. Now sometimes I think that the critical praise machines (press, reviews, award shows) get it wrong but there is much truth there. The remarkable performances and scripts and productions are often rewarded and honored. I have decided that what I want to cultivate now is a series of career-developing/career-building and then career-solidifying projects. And if something doesn’t serve this goal, then I need to pass on it and let it go. Ever forward (or at least, not backwards). Because every time I go in for something that might send me adrift career-wise (be a setback of sorts) I know it, I feel it and I usually get grumpy. And interestingly enough, I usually don’t get it. Which is good, but strange and (if I’m not aware of what’s really going on) upsetting.

There’s some female political activist (the quote is attributed to many people but oddly they are all women speakers) that said “you cannot be it if you cannot see it.” Since I’m not a fan of the negative in any context, I am reformatting that to be “you/I have to see it to be it.” I have to clearly see the “what I want” of my career and lock on that in sharp focus. And if I cloud that possible vision with filler and half-assed things then I’m not leaving room for the good stuff. And I do that. I cloud and muddy. Because it’s often very seductive. I get scared of the extra room in my pot (that was so lame, sorry) and instead of embracing the freedom and room to grow I tend to rush around trying to fill the empty space. No more.

I am going to wrap up this run and then make myself stop. I’m going to sit and actually craft out a plan because 1) I don’t know if I have Jeremy Renner’s stamina and 2) I definitely haven’t had the same career beginnings as Anna Kendrick. So they cannot be this year’s litmus test. They are not the easy answer, the coveted actor success Mad Libs. The “answer” doesn’t really exist (sad to say) because honestly no one gets there the same way anyway. You know?! There’s no clear path and even the “best practices” are usually a karmic crap-shoot. So there’s no room to be envious. I take that back, there’s no time to be envious. And it doesn’t help in the end.

So, Louise what are you doing to do? Well… thanks for asking. I am doing to laser-focus myself on a few things I really want to accomplish career-wise, continue to cultivate relationships with people I’m dying to work with and move full force with my writing. Because there’s nothing quite like trying to empower yourself and make work for yourself. I’m going to dig in and get ready for Spring. After all, that’s when everything grows. And hey, if you have any ideas or suggestions I would love to hear from you.

Soon to be getting home before midnight,

Louise

Things I’m digging this week: rewatching the Extras series finale and the Yantra Mat (I think I want one)

Dream Role: Someone in a Martin McDonagh play (well, the next one)

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