pendulum

So it’s be a weird week already, sorry that probably wasn’t a very articulate or creative description. Let me elaborate. There’s been some good and some bad. Wanna know more? Okay here’s a taste.

I helped out MTWorks with the auditions for their upcoming industry readings of David Stallings’ wonderful play Barrier Island. I was happy to help out and excited to absorb all I could from the evening. It is very informative to be a part of the casting process from the other, non-actor, side of the table. Even in a peripheral capacity. I helped coordinate the arrivals and then I read along with some of the auditioning actors. I found that an adage often professed is starting to ring very true. When you audition for people, they really do want you to be amazing. They want you to be the answer, they want to cast you. It’s true. I know, on the flip side, it’s hard to remember that fact. The deck feels stacked against you and it’s often terrifying or unsettling to go in the room and pour your heart out to strangers. But if you are right for the role, if you dive in and listen and connect and take the adjustments, if you seem like someone they want to work with for however long the project lasts, then it’s a no-brainer. And if you’re not right (for a million reasons you cannot predict or analyze) then there’s really nothing you can do but be good and hope that they will remember you. And honestly, they will. They do.

So that was incredibly fun. But then…the pendulum swings and the crap happens. You knew it was coming, right?!

Now in this case, to be honest with you, it wasn’t really so bad. It was just the case of some people behaving in a less than wonderful manner combined with a disappointing (and unexpected) outcome. And it hurt my feelings, and I don’t like it when something in my career, in my professional life, hurts me. Actually makes me cry. Now if you know me personally, I have a pretty close relationship with my emotions, I can cry pretty damn easily so maybe that’s not a good litmus test.

But this situation caused some pain. It sucked. I don’t mean to be coy. I’m choosing to be a bit (or tremendously) vague because I’m still holding out hope that it was an anomaly and these people might have just made some mistakes in their communication with me. They built me up and smacked me down. Maybe it was simply a little misguided. But it broke me a little, just for the night. Okay, you got me, the next morning I was still a little sore. Then I pulled it together and saw it as a gift. Wait, did I say gift? I did. The passing of this project (it didn’t really die, it’s still happening without me but I’m currently enjoying that phrase) opens up my schedule for something else. It frees me to find what I am really supposed to work on at this time.

And it forced me to address why I was so excited, why I made this one so important. And I figured it out. It wasn’t really about this one. I’m always this way. I make them all important. I get seduced by the hope of something. And you know why? It’s because I love to work. I want to work. But I really do need to remember to not hold that as a blanket statement. I have to choose wisely. Yes, that was a little Jedi of me but it’s appropriate. If I think back on all the projects or circumstances that fell through or didn’t materialize as expected, I see that they shouldn’t have happened. I might have cursed or cried in the moment but I always ended up being involved in something else, something (I hate to said it but it’s true) better. So there. It always ends up working out for the best. I have to believe that.

Even with all this new-found (or reclaimed) enlightenment, I’m ready for the swing back to the good side. It’s coming, I can feel it. My great uncle Virgil (wow, how I loved him) used to say that the bad stuff wakes you up to the good. That only when you experience the lack or the pain can you truly appreciate the beautiful gems that world will bring you.

“We do not live an equal life, but one of contrasts and patchwork; now a little joy, then a sorrow, now a sin, then a generous or brave action”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

Things I’m digging this week: Glee (here’s hoping it stays good), moo.com (amazing), Peter, Paul & Mary (thank you Mom & Dad for teaching me to love them & for all the childhood sing-a-longs)

Dream Role: Emma in Howard Pinter’s Betrayal

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